Is Two Enough???
As a younger parent with two kiddos both kiddos not yet in kinder, I often get asked if my husband and I will have more kids. my first reaction is to question their thought process as we watch one of my kids body slam the other. AFTER eating a handful of dog food. But even in these instances the answer for me isn’t so black and white.
Some of us dreamt for a certain size family and when you got it, Bam, things felt complete end of story. Some of you loved being pregnant and you would have as many babies as your husband let you. You got to enjoy being pregnant. your hair growing in all thick and flowing (where was my flawy thick hair?!), posting instgram pictures of you and your bump taking a walk in the park with fellow walkers complimenting you on your glow (if I walked anywhere it was to the toilet) . OKAY so I envy you and your picturesque pregnancy. I was sick as a dog during both of my pregnancies. But prior to that, when your engaged and everything is this cinderella story of an idea of what your life will be like, you talk with your man about how many kids you both would like. Two boys, two girls, so both of your kids would grow up with a best friend. Or maybe that was just my plan? Either way, you just assume that’s exactly how it will happen.
Fast forward to today. I have one boy and one girl. For me getting pregnant wasn’t the issue. Praise the lord for that. I am grateful. The issue is the sick as a dog part, (which will be a whole other topic later). It threw us for a loop. Maybe it was like a sling shot across the pacific and back. It was bad. Still I help onto baby clothes. I had bins marked with all my boy stuff I wanted to keep, as well as all the girl stuff. I had that little piece of me that didn’t want to admit it might not be my plan after all. It never once occurred to me that God has a plan as well. I finally let go of those things, one because I knew I didn’t want to put my body and my family through that again. And two because secretly, I was thinking, Hey if we have more kids we will just buy them new stuff by then right? No biggie. I was STILL holding on!
Then I jumped from ok, so we won’t have our own biological kids. We can adopt! Adopting is such a beautiful thing and it does seem like a logical solution. But thats just it. Adopting is a serious choice, a choice out of love…not a solution.
So why is it that women have a hard time knowing when they re done having little mini versions of themselves? Like I said, I think it starts at the beginning. We had a plan, we made an outline for our life. And now because our life isn’t going according to plan, we are left feeling like we failed… incomplete…or like the job isn’t done. That’s just my guess. I am not a professional on the subject here. But here’s what I do know. It’s ok to NOT KNOW. I honestly don’t think I will ever get rid of the idea of more kids that is hiding in a small place in the back of my head. I may not pursue it. But the door has a slight opening for the possibility. What I can feel comfort in, is knowing that God has a plan for my family. And maybe that family looks like 4 to Him. Maybe its not looking to a number to feel complete and whole in your family. Maybe it’s finding the complete and wholeness in Him instead.
We are busy and we are always on the move. I am in the process of building a business. My husband works in the car business = long hours. Leaving me often the person running from activity to activity with both kids. Not to mention we have long term and short term goals that aren’t exactly baby friendly. Good lord where in our house WOULD WE EVEN PUT ANOTHER being?! Hmmm maybe the attic could be turned into….WAIT NO! Ask me again during a attitude showdown with my daughter or a tired induced tantrum with my son and I would look you point blank and say..NO MORE! And yet, the longing for more still lingers on.
Right now what I encourage all moms to do is to focus on what you do have. I am encouraging myself to do the same. Invest in the kiddos you were blessed with. I know many of moms that would die for just one kid and here I am having a pitty party over two beautiful blessings. I am encouraging myself to have faith in my Father, that although physically/biologically another kid will no longer be a possibility that, if He brings a child into our lives to take into our family, then and only then would the timing be perfect and the motives be right. And if he doesn’t, then thats ok too. I am going to focus on my little rascals and give them all of me that I can.
I can’t say that that feeling will ever go away. In fact, I believe i will continue to feel that way until we make it medically impossible to have kids. And even then, who knows. Maybe it’s a matter of trusting God. And letting myself let go. Lose control over the situation. And that is something I will have to work through with God myself. But I think the grey area is ok. I think it’s ok to not have the answers in black and white. Maybe we wouldn’t need Him as much if things were more black and white.