My Tired is Tired.
Currently, I am going through a bible study with the home group that I lead. Mind you, I am under qualified and need this group more than I need to be leading it, I am sure. In anyway, the study I am doing is called Brave, by Angela Thomas.
This is my second go round with this study. The first week is about being worn out. And man, I was just as tired 3 years ago when I did it as I am now! Ha! The only difference is, I am saddened by my old tired. My tired then was a aimless, hopeless, and lost tired. The kind of tired where you feel like your grinding all day, but in your heart you feel like you your running in place. It felt like it was purposely. I look at my old scribblings, thankful for Gods faithfulness in me. His work. Because if anyone knows how much work I needed it was Him. But there is joy in my study today. Joy because, although my past responses in my study guide were a bit depressing for lack of a better word, they were a footstep in the right direction. In every writing I could see myself on the verge of new life. I just want to yell at my then self and say, “your doing it!”…. “don’t give up now Ashley, He’s is peeling you back layer by layer, making you a work for His glory, and you don’t even realize it yet”. My tired was misguided. It was anxious toil. Worrying about tomorrow. Focusing on myself. What I was and wasn’t doing that wasn’t for the benefit of myself. Putting my energy into other things besides my husband, besides God, besides the good of myself. That kind of tired…will literally make your tired, tired. Do you feel me? I know some of you are reading this like, “I can’t even focus on today, because I’m stressing out about how I am going to get through tomorrow!”. But you know if you sat on Facebook scrolling through news feeds for the past hour, and then you look up at the clock and realize in 20 min you have to pick up the kids, hit the grocery store, cook dinner, get bath time ready, try to get said kids who are currently running around naked and doing everything possible to avoid bedtime, IN BED….and when you finally do and you feel hopeless and tired. Not that I speak from experience or anything. I think its safe to say that your spending your tired in all the wrong places.
For me today is tired. Feels just as tired as three years ago’s tired. Except when I lay my head down at night, instead of dreading the morning or still having that aimless feeling. I am smiling. My heart is joyful. I can go to sleep knowing that this is what I am supposed to feel like at the end of the day. Wrung out for my family, my husband, my God, my business, etc. It was when I was wrung out, but I didn’t really know why that left me sleepless. It’s because I was putting my energy and my focus into things that weren’t for my good…or His glory. Do I still feel like there's not enough time in the day…yes. Do I feel like I could still manage my time better…yes. But the truth is, my worn out is a worn out that ends with tonight and is renewed with Him tomorrow.
I love something that Angela Thomas said. “Brave women turn to God when they are weary”. I think we have a habit of blaming everyone and everything for our tired. And if we are blaming, then we are “venting” about our tired. Forgetting to look to the one who can revitalize and renew us. Thats what I was doing anyway. I would take my tired to my friends. I would take my tired to my husband. Which often didn’t go over well. Two tired’s in the wrong places coming together to complain about being tired….not pleasant. And of course now we are fighting and while staring at the clock with our blood shot TIRED eyes wasting precious sleep time. I need a rest only God can give me. And praise the Lord, my tired is a new kind of tired. And thank you Lord for being a God who does not grow weary.
If you are reading this today. I pray that you have hope in your tired. That you can feel the joy in your work all day long. It’s exhausting and on going sometimes, but when we direct it in the right ways. Its a beautiful thing. And if you ever get the chance to do that bible DO IT. You tired will thank you ;-).