What Do You Want to Be When You're Already Grown Up?
From the time we can talk our parents are periodically asking us what we want to be when we grow up. In hopes that we will say something noble, worth while or something that society views as a financially rewarding career. Either that, or something just super cute that we can say in front of their friends to make everyone laugh.
I can remember my “dream” job. I either wanted to be an actress/singer songwriter or a pediatrician. You know in case the whole singer thing didn’t work out I would have a Med degree to fall back on…no big deal. Who doesn’t have a Med degree to fall back on?! Psh! I used to tell my mom that I would get married at 26, have kids, and work as a pediatrician as well as be an awesome mom. I was a dreamer.
It didn’t take me long into college and into pre-med classes that I was NOT cut out for medical school. I loved certain aspects and areas of the studying, but the debt, the hours of studying, the years I would be studying, and the math, dear LORD THE MATH!!! Well those were things that I was not in a position to be able to do. Nor did I want to be in school for that long. I am a little free spirited if you haven’t already noticed. Being confined in small rooms with no windows kills off pieces of my soul one clock tick at a time. Now put a classroom outside (besides when it’s raining) and NOW you have my interest.
However when I really found my “thing”, life happened. I left school during my junior undergrad year of exercise science. I was so ill during my pregnancy I could no longer attend and finish school like I had planned. Now my kiddos are both about to be in school and since they were born I have been a stay at home mom.
So this is where I have come to the conclusion that I need to re-define myself. Not as a mother, but as a person. But not only as Ashley the person, as Ashley the person in Christ. I never expected this. In all honesty, I had always thought that I would be in pursuit of a career or at least be moving forward in a way that would prepare me for this time when my kids would be at school more than home. Since that is not the case, I cannot express the anxiety I have had knowing that by next fall I will be at home by myself from 8am-3pm. What the heck does one do by themselves for that long!? Unless I plan on going into debt at Target, while I browse the aisle in my slippers Monday- Friday I have got to figure this out.
Lately, the question I have been asking myself is what do I want to be now that I am already grown up? Maybe I am alone in this. Maybe It’s the lack of ability to sit still that freaks me out. Maybe it is in my selfishness that I want to achieve something great outside of child raising and carpooling. Although I still want to be a full time soccer mom as well. Landing your dream career that allows you to financially contribute to your family without sacrificing time with your family, is not an easy feat. Let me be even more transparent in that I have struggled with handing this over to God. I still do, but between me and Him…He knows I am holding back. There is still part of me that wants to figure this out on my own. To create something awesome and leave a legacy on my own. But we all know that without one the other doesn’t happen. Or if so my foundation of my new venture would be built upon something unstable and short lived.
Any identity other than in Christ can be taken away
Our relationship with God depends on the fruit we create. Everyone was made and wired to seek their identity. Something I am currently seeking. Not what others see me as, what I think the world should see me as, but who and what has God created me to be. Any identity other than in Christ can be taken away. I remember Matt Chandler saying something along the lines that, if your identity is rooted in the gospel your words will be good. If your identity is not rooted in Christ, your identity is always at stake and you use your words to keep and protect it.
I guess that is why some of us are so quick to lie, lash out at others or put others down. We are trying to protect and keep the identity that we have made ourselves to believe is who we are.
So my prayer as of late is to find my identity in Christ and move forward with comfort that He will put me in a place that I can shine His light best. Easier said than done. Maybe it will be in the focus on expanding and building on my educating on essential oils, maybe it will be my continuation of finishing the path once started in exercise science…or maybe it will be the beginning of something new. I think one of my main reasons for resistance is, being afraid of God moving me into the unknown and putting me out of my comfort zone. Which ultimately I should know if He puts me there, He will guide me through it and it will all be in His glory. But none the less, it is something this during this fall season I will be in pursuit of.
So my question to you is…
What do you want to be when you are already grown up?