One Year After Miscarriage

It’s been one year since we lost our baby.
(I Initially wrote about it on the blog HERE after it happened)

Time has gone by so fast, but I’m taking it day by day.

A year has gone by and the images are still there.
I can replay that day like it happened yesterday. It still feels like it happened yesterday.
Although I was so afraid I’d forget. I’ve never experience PTSD, but if I had I imagine it would feel like this. Triggers, odd reminders and nightmares you wish weren’t true.

I think the hardest part about loss is the replay.
The what if’s and the imagining of what would be.
Imagining that we would have had a toddler running around. That I could have experience a normal pregnancy where I’m not hooked up to machines and throwing up through the whole pregnancy.

But you can’t live in that space. It eats you up.

There’s no easy way to remember a loss.
There’s no easy way for those around you to remember an important day. And I think in large part because we don’t talk about it. Or we don’t know what to say. We don’t tell others what we need. But there should be no reason for that, because unfortunately this is a really big club that no one wished to be apart of. It’s the worst kind of club. But it’s sadly comforting that you aren’t the only one in it.

For some of us we need to process on our own. For some of us we want our babe to be acknowledged, to feel valued and missed. We want our loss to have a name.

So here we are, a year later.
I still feel like I’m missing a piece, but I also feel like I’ll be okay too.
We chose to plant a tree. A little Gem Magnolia tree last year, when we had to say goodbye. I’ve never been more protective over a plant. The kids call it “our baby” when they refer to it. So today will be rough. For mommies the feeling is internal. No matter how long or how little your body houses a baby, you’re instantly connected forever. Something daddy’s don’t get to experience always. So while I have no idea what to expect on this day, or any other day that may hit me with a wave of emotion I know I’m not in this club alone.

(When I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to surprise the kids and my husband. The kids had been asking for a sibling for so long. I had some sweet friends take photos as I let the kids in on the secret and then my husband. These are the photos below)