The Dark Side of Perfectionism
Blog Reading by Ashley
We had to eat out because I was too tired to prep dinner last night….fail.
I didn’t spend any time playing with our kids after I got home from work because I was drained and had to jump on dinner right after walking in the door…fail.
I have been in a horrible mood taking it out on my husband….fail.
I was sick and therefore I had the tv babysit the kids most of the day…fail.
I am almost thirty and there are places I have wanted to go, a certain lifestyle I wanted to live, and it feels nowhere close…I’m failing.
I just want to succeed at my business because I feel passionately about it, but those kinds of dreams only come true for other people.
These are all the lies that I tell myself everyday. The lies I have begun to believe.
And honestly lies I still struggle with daily.
This obsession with self sabotage and perfectionism is exhausting. To be honest, I don’t even realize I am doing it half of the time.
With so many successful women, social media, magazines and celebrities it’s hard to find the balance between reality and setting to high of standards for yourself. Everyone constantly looks like they have it all together and we play that card, so that no one knows we are struggling. But what good does that do for those that are really struggling?
We (I) need more women who look like they have it all together, to display the truth.
The problem is I see things so black and white in certain areas in my life. I didn’t read the Bible the exact amount of days I wanted to. Therefore it was all for nothing. In my head, I might as well not even tried. As opposed to others who might look at the situation as they read some and that was more than none, so it’s ok.
No one tells you that with dreams, goals, and admirations also come failure, depression, and sleep deprivation.
All you see is the accomplishment, you don’t see the road that was traveled to get there.
“When perfectionism is driving, shame is riding shotgun, and fear is that annoying backseat driver.”
— BRENÉ BROWN
For myself, it is a constant pushing to be better. To provide for everyone. Being the sexiest woman my husband knows. Being the parent who has the deepest relationship with their kids. Succeeding at the things I want. Helping the world in ways others can’t. And being a woman of God who’s roots grow deeper than most.
If you spent a day in my mind you would see that it runs in circles.
I am overwhelmed so I take it out on my husband. Now I feel guilty for taking it out on my husband. He continues to love me through it, so I feel like I don’t deserve him. Which confuses me, because why would he want to be with someone who doesn’t treat him as well as he should be treated. Again, I am undeserving. He is probably better off without me. Maybe with someone more positive, successful and with a better body. That reminds me my body. I wish I hadn’t have lost my boobs after nursing two kids. I could get implants. But then what kind of message would that send to my daughter? I should love myself as I am. Right, I need to work on loving myself first. I need to pray about this. Ugh, praying! I forgot to read my bible AGAIN! I haven’t read it in 5 days. Great. I fail at that now to. How do I lead others seeking Christ when I can’t even do a good job myself….
I don’t need to go on do I?
And reading this you would think I could break the cycle. And honestly I think it sounds just as crazy as you do. Believe me. Many a tearful nights I’m pleading a break from my thoughts.
So, this is me and the dark side of my perfectionism. Because I would be lying if I pretended this isn’t where my struggle lies today. And with big hopes for this new year, the enemy is going full deacon 5 on my mind.
Haha! But really…
My goal for this year is to get out of my own way. To become engulfed in God’s truth so much that I can allow Him to drown out the lies I tell myself. This no doubt will not be easy, and as you can tell my thoughts are bound to pull me back. But this is my year, and I am determined. I mean I am hoping this is my year. I mean I just publicly put myself out there, it’s going to be really embarrassing if this doesn’t go as planned. …S***,I’m doing it again huh?
Ok so I’ll work on that. In the mean time, while you continue to see post after post of everyone’s recaps of the past year and all the milestones and accomplishments they achieved, keep in mind, there are some of us who are just trying to survive and do the best we can.
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